March 2010
1 post
4 tags
February 2010
1 post
3 tags
ESCAPE TO DULL
Simon- Heroic Wizard Boy, 13 yrs
Boreon- Hump-backed Wise Wizard Mentor, 351 yrs
Barb Olson- Housewife, 41yrs
Doug Olson- Computer Programmer, 43yrs
Janice Olson- Bratty, Buck-toothed Girl, 11yrs
(Boreon is reading Wizard books. Simon enters covered in dirt and blood and exhausted.)
BOREON
Did you take care of those Demons that escaped from Hell and sought to unravel the fabric of time and...
December 2009
9 posts
3 tags
5 tags
HI JINX
LARS- Office Gossip
BRUCE- Office Clown
(LARS is leaned on his desk drinking coffee. BRUCE is on the floor, his legs have been replaced with the ridged body of a horse.)
LARS- No, I get it man, this is hilarious, but the problem is folks aren’t really bowled over by Centaur jokes anymore. You know how these things go, I would have texted you about it on your medical leave if I could have...
5 tags
Applican't
ARTHUR- GENTLEMEN HUSBAND
VANESSA- ESTEEMED WIFE
BOY- HOPEFUL SERVANT
(A very well decorated living room. ARTHUR is strangling the BOY on the floor. VANESSA enters.)
VANESSA- Oh Arthur, what are you doing dear?
ARTHUR- I’m strangling the boy.
VANESSA- You didn’t wait for me?
ARTHUR- You were gone awhile. He got quite dull very quickly. It was clear he wasn’t going to get the job.
...
3 tags
Improvised show I did by myself on my floor....
5 tags
The Library of Dr. Moreau
GRETA- Polar Bear Lady, Librarian, Virgin.
MICHAEL- Ferret Man.
(GRETA is stamping books at her desk. MICHAEL approaches confidently and gently lays a large hardcover on her desk.)
MICHAEL- Just this today.
GRETA- Michael…
MICHAEL- Yes Greta?
GRETA- Do I even have to look to see if you’ve returned “The Blood Meridian” yet?
MICHAEL- I forgot it. I’ll drop it off...
5 tags
Thaakar, Jungle Attorney
THAAKAR- Dashing young upstart lawyer, raised by apes
BENJAMIN WINFIELD- Explorer
(BENJAMIN is perched awkwardly on a limb of a large jungle tree, he has a shrunken head. After a few moments, THAAKAR swings in on a vine.)
THAAKAR- Sorry to keep you waiting Mr. Winfield. Did my secretary offer you some jungle water or coffee?
BENJAMIN- No.
THAAKAR- Lisa, Mr. Winfield is thirsty!
(Big Cat roar...
6 tags
Bullshit In The Woods
SAM- Hiker/Husband
CARLY- Hiker/Wife
Bear- Brown most likely
(SAM and CARLY are hiking happily. BEAR lumbers out of the trees and blocks their way.)
CARLY- (Hushed whisper.) Oh geeze Sam, it’s one of those bears!
SAM- Just don’t make eye contact.
BEAR- Here’s some folks that look like they care about the forest.
SAM- No thanks.
BEAR- No thanks? No thanks to the forest?...
Its been way too long since I wrote a sketch.
That was nice.
5 tags
Service Industry
WHITE MALE- Stranger
DENISE- Single Mother
OTHER MALE- Stranger
(WHITE MALE is unplugging electronics in the family room. DENISE enters, looks surprised for a moment and then smiles politely.)
DENISE- Oh hello!
WHITE MALE- (Polite) Ma’am. (Goes back to unplugging.)
DENISE- I see you broke my window.
WHITE MALE- Yea, forced entry.
DENISE- Oh, where are my manners? I’m Denise....
October 2009
2 posts
6 tags
MARKET FRESH
DAN- Husband, 30s
BETH- Wife, 30s
THOMAS- Ogre, 20s
(DAN is on the couch, meticulously wrapping his bleeding stump where his left arm should be. DAN is also missing his right foot. BETH enters with groceries. DAN quickly drops the gauze and picks up a magazine pretending to read it.)
BETH- Hey dear.
DAN- Oh hello! Get everything you needed?
BETH- Yes, whew! They had good deals at Jewel so I...
September 2009
15 posts
5 tags
Thugs
Boss- Hotshot Amusment Park Manager, 30s
Daffy- Costumed Entertainer, 20s
Maggie- Mother of 3, 30s
(BOSS approaches DAFFY, who is full Daffy Duck costume, with an envelope.)
BOSS- Annnnd Daffs, here’s your check mah man.
(DAFFY wordlessly opens the envelope. Looks stunned at check inside. Waves angrily at BOSS.)
BOSS- Hey, taxes ain’t my doin. Take it up with your Unk Sam, bro.
...
6 tags
Slave Baby
Donny- 30s, Husband
Sheila- 30s, Wife
Baby- 0s
(DONNY comes home. SHEILA is reading a magazine in a recliner. BABY is lying on the floor crying softly.)
DONNY- Hey Sheel, you’ll never guess what Lars said today—
(Stops and stares at BABY.)
SHEILA- Yes dear?
DONNY- Who’s baby is that?
SHEILA- Oh! Ours.
DONNY- Ours. You adopted a child while I was at work?
SHEILA- No...
7 tags
The RagnaRack I: Savage Innocence
Days into the fateful trek The babe’s hair was all a wreck Nary a conditioner to be found Pouty lips parted in a woeful sound,
Bold Dalla stepped forth to take the lead As down her cleavage dripped a single bead “We must find land,” she pronounced The sweat flicked as her nuggs bounced,
Really, they’re huge.
Cresting the sea they spied shore The Vikings let out a sultry...
5 tags
Title Involving Trees. Possibly Including A Pun.
Oak- Tree
Maple- Tree
(OAK and MAPLE reside next to each other. They are both scowling.)
OAK- F you man.
MAPLE- No, F you.
OAK- (Doing stupid voice.) Oooh. I’m Maple. I don’t have any comebacks.
MAPLE- Do too!…jerk.
OAK- I’m Maple. I take alllll the sunlight. I got sooo much carbon dioxide. Because I’m fat.
MAPLE- Is that it Oak? Man, I told you, I can’t...
Pundits
DAVE WIMBLY- Channel 4 Anchor
SETH MARTIN- Serial Killer
MEGAN PARKER- Housewife, deceased
(DAVE, SETH, and MEGAN are sitting at a roundtable facing the audience. DAVE is well dressed and sporting a cheesy smile. SETH is holding a bloody knife. MEGAN’s body is cut in several places and dripping gore.)
DAVE- Is murder wrong? Goodevening and welcome. I’m Dave Wimbly and this is the...
5 tags
Just Outside Naperville
MR. WALKER- Businessman, 40s
CAL- Businessman, late 20s
(MR. WALKER and CAL sit at a restaurant. MR. WALKER is carefully eating some soup. CAL sits upright in his chair and picks at his food.)
MR. WALKER- I don’t think I’ve found the right soup for me.
CAL- Mr. Walker.
MR. WALKER- There has to be a soup out there that I can eat, is it called eating? Drinking? Anyway, after...
5 tags
6 tags
Prologue
Come before thee a humble bard With this lost tale of Asgard Of bravery, courage and lament And enough tits to pitch a tent,
For when the Viking village fell besieged All the Viking men had agreed They didn’t want to lose their lives So offered up their tasty wives,
Buxom, blonde and skirt hems high Supple enough to turn an eye The raiding savages took the deal In hopes, me think, to cop a...
5 tags
6 tags
Gothic Tail
BRION- Alligator
(BRION, a strapping young Lousiana alligator, sits centerstage. He gnaws daintily on the haunch of a backwoods rapist while swirling a flagon of moonshine in the other hand. He glowers at the audience briefly before choosing to speak.)
BRION- A common misconception about Alligators, is that we have no appreciation for the works of Edgar Allen Poe. Well au contre mon frair, it...
5 tags
Well Met
JASON- Infantry
CHRIS- Heavy Infantry
(In the heat of a feudal battle. Swords and shields clash. JASON and CHRIS enter, each fighting unseen enemies until they face each other and immediately engage. The following conversation occurs while they fight.)
CHRIS- Jason! By the gods, how are you?
JASON- Oh, Chris, I’m doing well. Good to see you.
CHRIS- It’s been nigh on a score years...
5 tags
5 tags
The Face of Adversity
HEAD- Recently Severed Head
BODY- Place Where the Head Used To Be
(BODY is pacing nervously with blood spilling from it’s neck. HEAD sits on the table in a pool of said blood.)
HEAD- Okay, maybe we should get some gauze.
(BODY stops and turns to HEAD.)
HEAD- Don’t look at me like that.
BLACK OUT
6 tags
5 tags
Tip When Deserved
SUSAN- Lover of TexMex, 20s
GUSTAV- Proprietor, 40s
(SUSAN approaches the counter with her recently purchased lunch.)
SUSAN- Excuse me Gustav?
GUSTAV- Lay it on me!
SUSAN- Yes…well, its just. This may come as a surprise to you, but there seems to be a good deal of sugar in my burrito.
GUSTAV- Maybe it’s because you’re so sweet.
SUSAN- I’m flattered, but I don’t...
August 2009
4 posts
4 tags
SEL & A : The Early Years (Autobiographical)
(A young pock-faced GARIN sits at his desk in a crumpled dress shirt ironed by his mother. He picks up the phone and dials a phone number carefully, reading it off the paper in front of him.)
RING
RING
RING
(The phone picks up and loud shuffling and TV blaring in the background can be heard on the other end.)
GARIN- um, Mr. Williams?
MR. WILLIAMS- (Shouting for no reason or than his own TV.)...
America these days.
I can’t be friends with people that hold their sandwich backwards like that.