Bullshit In The Woods
SAM- Hiker/Husband
CARLY- Hiker/Wife
Bear- Brown most likely
(SAM and CARLY are hiking happily. BEAR lumbers out of the trees and blocks their way.)
CARLY- (Hushed whisper.) Oh geeze Sam, it’s one of those bears!
SAM- Just don’t make eye contact.
BEAR- Here’s some folks that look like they care about the forest.
SAM- No thanks.
BEAR- No thanks? No thanks to the forest? You guys don’t care then?
CARLY- We do care. We love nature.
SAM- Carly…
BEAR- Great! Did you know that most ground squirrels don’t get enough fiber to sustain their high metabolisms?
CARLY- What do you mean?
BEAR- These poor guys can’t find enough food to keep their digestive systems going that most of the time they’re skittering around the forest floor all constipated.
CARLY- That’s terrible.
SAM- Yeah. Sorry we can’t help.
BEAR- Well you can actually. It doesn’t take much. Just whatever granola you have in your backpacks now could keep a family of five ground squirrels regular for a month.
SAM- We kind of need the granola we have, sorry again.
BEAR- That’s funny. You smell like you just had a big healthy shit this morning.
CARLY- Sam, we can spare the granola I think.
SAM- Sure we can now, but after a month goes by this one will be knocking on our door looking for more handouts.
BEAR- I don’t think that will happen sir. I have no knuckles.
SAM- Look, it’s nice and all that you’re out here strong arming people for charity, but see it my way for a second. If we give you to now, then we’re going to have to give our hotdogs to the caveless Puma hanging around the picnic area, and then we’re going to have to give our cigarettes to the latch key kids that are always singing Rodney Dangerfield covers outside the Ranger’s station. Where does it end?
BEAR- I’m sorry to hear that sir. Tell you what…
SAM- Are you even listening to me?
CARLY- Sam, let’s just go.
BEAR- We actually have a special promotion going right now where if you can offer two cups of water from your nalgene bottles for this growing Maple, we’ll give you this free air freshener.
SAM- That’s a flower.
BEAR- You can write off any food donation against your Jenny Craig points.
SAM- (Through clenched teeth.) 50 years ago we would have had your head mounted on the wall with little beady glass eyes.
BEAR- (Arms raised in disbelief.) Whoa!
CARLY- He didn’t mean it. Sam, let’s go!
BEAR- That’s not appropriate. That’s not appropriate man!
SAM- And you think it’s appropriate that you’re stopping us on the trial and panhandling for every slightly disadvantage flora and fauna in the whole freaking ecosystem??
BEAR- I’m just doing my job here.
SAM- Now you’re just doing your job, why just a moment ago you cared about chipmunk bowel movements.
BEAR- Ground squirrel, chimpunk is ignorant.
SAM- Let me ask you something, what kind of kickback do you get if we fork over our granola?
BEAR- (Defeated.) Two baby rabbits.
CARLY- You whore!
BEAR- I got cubs to feed!
CARLY- Can we leave now Sam? The stench of hypocrisy is overwhelming.
SAM- Yes, let’s depart before his blind obediance to a corrupt system infects us too.
(They storm off with pride.)
BEAR- (To no one in particular.) I miss Darwinism.
BLACK OUT
