Simon- Heroic Wizard Boy, 13 yrs
Boreon- Hump-backed Wise Wizard Mentor, 351 yrs
Barb Olson- Housewife, 41yrs
Doug Olson- Computer Programmer, 43yrs
Janice Olson- Bratty, Buck-toothed Girl, 11yrs
(Boreon is reading Wizard books. Simon enters covered in dirt and blood and exhausted.)
Did you take care of those Demons that escaped from Hell and sought to unravel the fabric of time and destroy all of creation?
Yessssssss, Grand Wizard Boreon. But my lovable sidekick best friend died, again, and I think I jammed my thumb.
Simon, why don’t you have a seat?
Let me guess. This chair is going to imprison me in some magical way and I’ll have to think outside the box in order to find the obvious solution to the problem.
No, it’s a folding chair I found in the basement.
(SIMON sits cautiously. Nothing happens.)
Simon, you’re a powerful wizard boy of unimaginable potential. You’ve saved the world 4 times this month. You’ve won the heart of a beautiful fairy princess and bring hope to all those you touch. But did you ever think you were meant for something more—-mediocre?
(Cliché organ music begins to play.)
Simon, what if I told you there was another world out there. One without magic, or centaurs, or little birds that dress you in the morning. One where high unemployment numbers are only eclipsed by rising obesity in children. Where billions of people wake up to cheap coffee, plod like a zombie throughout their dreary day, come home to a loveless marriage, and only have a few years left to enjoy a peaceful orange sunset before pollution turns it the color of chimney soot.
(In excited awe.)
Such a place exists?
Indeed. And you are destined for it. Simon I’d like you to meet your new family.
(BARB, DOUG, and JANICE enter.)
Congratulations Simon, you’ve inherited three generations of high cholesterol.
And you’ll be bald by 25, honey.
I’ll be sure to lick all the bowls in the morning before you have your cereal.
Oh Boreon, they’re delightfully run-of-the-mill! Hello new family!
(Runs over to embrace them. DOUG puts his hand out to stop SIMON.)
We don’t hug.
(DOUG shakes SIMON’s hand.)
Simon, I so look forward to being disappointed when your grades start to slip in high school.
The dog pooped on the carpet, it’s your turn to clean it.